Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
