Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
