I molested 6 butterflies tonight
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
