I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
