Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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