Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
