Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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