my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
