Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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