I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
