she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
