Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
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