I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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