I want to have your abortion
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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