Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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