thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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