Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
