Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
