She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
