I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
