You smell like a Billy Joel song
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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