It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
