i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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