remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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