i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
