Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
