If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
