New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Can I color on your dick again?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
