he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
