Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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