I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
