Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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