Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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