my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
