Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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