i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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