u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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