My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
