I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
