Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
