if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
