My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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