they need to just BURY HIM!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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