I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
