so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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