It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
