I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
soo... how was my night?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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