Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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