smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
