Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
