Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
