This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
