you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
