we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you didnt know i had herpes?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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